excerpt from "loud in the house of myself" - stacy pershall

[luckyzukky]

That spring, tears came more and more frequently. I buried my face in his couch and I realized, for the first time but certainly not the last, that apologizing could be a weapon. You can apologize until people think you’re crazy. Your whole body can become an apology. You’re not skinny enough or smart enough or pretty enough or talented enough or sexy enough or popular enough or sophisticated enough or tall enough or short enough or blond enough or like the last girl enough and you’re sorry, you’re sorry, you’re sorry. When you realize that not only are you not making people love you, you’re actively making them hate you, you think, Oh, they still hate me, I knew it all along, but surely five more pounds or this color hair dye or winning this award or making my 2,500-word papers exactly 2,500 words, surely that will make them love me. Of course, they hate me now, I’m not enough yet, but I will be. I promise. Anorexia is good at making you think your own thoughts are those of other people.

(stacy pershall)
(source, chapter 6)

Comments

[luckyzukky]

hits close to home. fucking devastating